Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
