I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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