Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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