theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
