Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
