My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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