Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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