I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
