Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Randomize
