This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
