I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
