that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
