1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
