My sheets look like a crime scene.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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