"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
