foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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