Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
