....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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