these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
