nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
