He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
