Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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