Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He has the fingertips of a God
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