Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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