I'm gonna have a badass scar
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
