mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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