You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
