Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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