I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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