i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
