She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
