I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
