I will die if light touches me.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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