maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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