I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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