How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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