i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
