when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
