Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
