Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
