Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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