don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
