Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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