I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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