I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She announced her abortion via fbk
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
