I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
