Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
