thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
