I just threw up on my dentist
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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