the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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