now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
