Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
