Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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