It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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