rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.