is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
