There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
