We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm getting married
To pizza
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
