i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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