My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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