I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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